How to Think Your Way to Better Sex (03/27/2019) | Health Library

Sex issues can be complicated, but they’re not uncommon. It takes a doctor’s help to overcome obstacles such as medicines that put the kibosh on the libido. It might take a financial counselor or a budget to solve money worries that cause fizzle where there should be sizzle.

But two of the most common issues are problems you can take care of yourself. They are all about attitude.

The first one is sometimes called “performance anxiety.” I prefer to say it straight up—it’s embarrassment.

Worrying about your ability to perform is actually a case of worrying about whether you are OK, whether you measure up. And let’s face it, we all want to be heroes with our beloved partners.

The odd thing about this anxiety is that members of the opposite sex are not usually as disturbed as their partners worry they may be.

For instance, it is extremely common for women to become less moist as they grow older, especially after menopause. A lubricant is a simple, easy answer, yet many women hesitate to introduce the idea.

A woman who does suggest she needs help, even though her pleasure and interest is as high as ever, could be surprised to find her partner is more than happy to oblige. Most men have no aversion whatsoever experimenting with different creams, gels, or lubricants to find one that both partners like. It can even add new sizzle to the dynamic.

Not to stereotype anyone, but telling your man, “honey, would you mind browsing the sex store for me?” is like asking your dog if he would care to have a raw steak.

From the opposite side of the bed, men can worry about ED even when they don’t have it. With age, the penis gets less hard when engorged. It can thus be shorter or have less girth. The constant urge may also calm down into a more occasional urge in maturity. Women are not as put off by these natural changes as their men fear. Even sex with softness is real sex to them if the spirit is willing.

Plus, the solution to less stamina and hardness might be as simple as more foreplay… something most women who love their men would never veto.

The second overwhelming mental block to good sex has to do with embarrassment, too. It’s about your body image. Parts that should be firm, flop. Parts that should be flat, grow round, and parts that should be round, grow flat. You may have noticed the word “should” in all those sentences. The “should” applies to your ideal teen and 20-something self. After that, give yourself a little leeway.

Ideally, for our overall health as well as our sexual health, we would exercise and control our weight. But if we slide, the fix takes time. You can’t lose 20 pounds overnight without surgery. And even then, it’s a daunting task.

You can fix your attitude faster. If your partner is not criticizing you or shunning you, then cut yourself some slack. Sexy is not a size; it’s an attitude.